Raison d'etre

All the world's a stage, the men and women merely players.

There's no relevant reason for me to write that, I just love quoting Shakespeare. A wise man told me yesterday that the things coming out of my mouth, shouldn't be coming out of my mouth. I think he fell in love with my mind, not my looks. That's what I want in life. Even on the days when I feel pretty, (so...the days when I don't think that everyone that tells me I'm beautiful is just part of some horribly elaborate prank) I am an intelligent woman and that's what I want to attract attention for. Not only that, I have this treasure trove of life experiences. Way too many for a 22 year old. Life is about discussing life. It's about discussing what's out there, the possibilities available now to humanity, different perspectives and ideologies, and getting out there and experiencing it. We are the universe trying to know itself.

Today I felt like killing myself. I am not publishing this post. This is for me.
I have it all planned out if I do...but...something...something stops me. Sad to say, it's never a person. No. No one really cares. No one would be worse off without me. Better, yeah, undoubtedly, but not worse. Everyone else knows how to cope with shit. Everyone else is just better at life than me, so they'd get over it in the blink of an eye. I mean...there wouldn't even be anything to get over. Just another idiot girl out of this world. An idiot girl that nobody knows. A stranger. You don't feel sad when a stranger dies, right, so why would I be an exception? I wouldn't.

So, what stops me? I think it's the wanderlust. I think of the places I haven't been. I think of the history of this planet, and all the landmarks I want to touch with my own hands. I think of how foreign air smells. I remember how I felt on my honeymoon. I picture myself on the ocean, floating on my back. Just floating. I was a beach baby. We were always at the beach (until Alexa was born). I think of the salty smell, the sound of the waves crashing on rocks. I remember that time when I was left unsupervised at a new beach. It was really clean and I had those goggles that covered my nose so I could swim underwater like a mermaid. I swam out, squirming my way on the seafloor, when suddenly there was a steep drop. I came up for air and down I went. I could feel this cold, cold current coming from this steep, dark drop. I went down as far as I could. Obviously that situation could have ended badly, but something scared me and I came back up but I thought to myself "I'll be back when I'm bigger. I need to know what's down there."
I guess...that. I need to know. I need to know what's out there in the world. I need to know what's on the bottom of the ocean. I need to know what's under the polar caps on Mars. I need to know what else is lurking in the rainforests.
Curiosity might kill me one day, but it's the only thing saving me right now.